It is a general course of life that one keeps learning and changing one’s personality with the passage of time. Times changes, personality changes and so the behavior .I used to think that it would happen to me as well. And this natural embracing of mature ways of life keeps me safe from making same mistake again and again .It will bring gravity and sagacity to my personality and I would no longer be the same old bewildered Arooj who would want to express herself but then would hold her words aback with a wish that the listener might understand her silent pain.
I still remember that after my fist week of school, my teacher said to me mother, ‘your daughter never weeps loudly, and she just sat and heaves sighs .that is something very uncommon in the children of this age. My mother did not believe as I was very bold child at home. Very confident and brave one. But it started happening in the later years of my childhood. I would speak alot,would share my bookish knowledge with my friends (though I had very few)and my elders, yet whenever the matter came to defend my own self or express something regarding my ownself,I would feel myself dump.
That period of childhood flew away. I managed to represent myself in front of the world in or other way. I left my real self behind and started dealing this world as a neutral observer( though I know that is something highly illusionary) as it was more easy for me then making confronting with a threat of defending myself again and again. But now I feel that after a lot of practice of last many years, my real self has started it again .I am no more a neutral observer, I feel the pain and sourness of the situation .I want to comment upon it .I want to complain. But I don’t know how. Again feel it difficult to explain my point of view .I used to think that one’s I would grow up, things will be solved. The grown up Arooj would not be as vulnerable as this little Arooj.But thing are the same; I feel the same old bewilderment that I used to face in early years of my life. I still feel difficulty in making a connection between my naive personality and world around. May be few things never change their course.