Heavenly Muse

Yup! By tomorrow ,I am going for my first interview.It is not for any job, it’s not for any big post, it’s just for a mere diploma.A diploma for which my present qualification is more than enough.Yet,I asked my friends ,cousins and elders that what could be possible situation over there. I received very contrasting answers. My father said ,’’Oh Arooj!you keep on shouting all day about different matters ,what the problem for you to handle two or three people sitting in front of you’’.My sister says,’’oh Dear! You always complain about pity issues, there will be such a brief exchange of few questions just take it easy’’.My cousin says, ‘you have been inspiration for me in this regards why you are looking so worried’’.And Husband (to be) said,’’ You are an embodiment of confidence, this confusion does not suite you’’.

But you know friends; I am really scared. Tomorrow I am going to be judged. The interviewers will start noticing me the moment I will enter the room till the moment I will leave that place. They will also notice the way I take my seat and then leave it afterwords. The way I deliver my answers the way I look the way I ………….Oh NO….

He always insists that I should control my zigzag way of talking as it irritates him. He always asks me to slow down my pace while talking as he can’t understand what I am saying. He always suggests me to be practical as my bookish thoughts have nothing to do with reality. He always advices me to get dressed as per his choice as my own choices are not up to the mark. He always wants to me think the way he thinks because my way of thinking is just an amalgam of weightless ideas.

I wish he could feel while I am talking in zigzag manner, I just want him to know the underneath meaning of my words. I wish he could feel the passion of my words being uttered hastily. I wish he could understand that my bookish thoughts have the aura of my unfulfilled dreams. I wish he could understand the way I dress shows my real self. I wish he could feel the way I think is fine for me because I don’t think about anything other than Him.

Listen, how much it is making noise, how much it is indulging me false enterprises, and how much it is into in making fake promises. Whenever, I start believing that now things will never come in right shape, this stupid emerges and shatters my belief. Whenever I teach my desire to stay behind, it comes and compels it to move ahead in the realm of impossibilities. Whenever I tell myself that you are all alone and ask it not to look around for any shoulder.it put my hand in someone’s and again start a relationship that has everything except Relation.
It does not let me live me in righteous manner. It does not let me die. I still don’t know that from where it does come and how can I get rid of it,’’ this noisy Optimism’’

Sometimes relationship gets complex. You must be saying that what’s new about this very fact I m having right now, as the matter of fact I am not going to deal with any heavy philosophy. I am here just to share my observation about a very strong blood relationship as: relation of a father with his son.

Whom else a father could love more than his son? A son: who shows his blood line, and who will keep alive his name. And who will give him a supporting and caring hand in his old age. The same causes of being in love we can find out at son’s side. Father; the symbol of affection, love, care,and what not. This is a kind of relationship that is considered unbreakable. But still I observe that this very strong relationship remains victim of rude attitude, indifferent behavior and anger showed from both sides.

Being a concerned person (specially being a sister and daughter as well) I tried a lot to dissect this issue so that I could reveal the underneath problem. At first place I ponder upon a father’s characte.A man when comes into the sphere of different rolls like a supporting son, a bossy husband, and a strict father; he suddenly starts behaving like dictator, this very attitude is not always because of his own wish but rather just to secure his family problems arising internally or externally, he put on this attire of strictness.Unfortunaelt, his own son becomes the victim of it most severely. A father loves his son but can’t express because he feels anger for his son’s new ways of living. A father cares his son but can’t express because he has also age for his careless attitude. A father wants to listen his son’s heart but often ignores because his so called ego wants his son to act upon his orders.

On the other hand, a son often idealize his father ,unintentionally, yet opposes his every move by considering it a check on his free living style. A son wants to admire his father’s sacrifice for his family and sheer struggle but cant utter a single word because of a gap that has been created by number of years accompanied with indifference. A son wants to declare that he loves as much his father as his mother, but manly ego always comes and restrict the both parties.

This lack of expression of love, keeps both men tense and their tension prevails in the family, and each member gets affected. I request to all such fathers and sons as well, just forget your manly attitude for a moment and express your hidden love for each other without considering their reputation as bossy father and a egoistic son.

I used to have very strict self designed code of conduct: how to laugh, how to speak, how to weep, how to behave, how to react and so on. He used to admire every move of mine. I started feeling that divine hand had bound some hidden wires of us that he feels comfort even with very weird act of mine. Then relation started getting stronger and stronger. My love kept on increasing and his acceptance kept on decreasing .I became a spot that always received criticism. When I asked him,’’ are you not feeling feasible with me?’’.He candidly reply,’’Yup, some features of your personality really hurts me’’.i said,’’ but, dear it’s my nature’’.he said in even more candid way, ‘‘then turn around and find some other way for you’’.I followed his command just like ever, I turned around but oh! There was nothing other than chaos behind me. I screamed and knelt down before him .he stood there with folded arms in rather indifferent manner but with a question mark on his face that why I again came back. I looked up, towards his face. My lips were badly stuck but my eyes pleaded, ‘‘my past, future and present have submerged themselves in you, I can’t go back, I can’t move forward and I can’t even stay in present moment without you. You have the right to discard me, but I can’t let you go because I love you so much’’.

For every reader the climax of the story is the most interesting phase. This very point always remains surrounded by bulk of conflicts and burning problems, still we feel attracted ourselves towards climax. Apparently it shows that man feels conformable among challenges, but reality is something else. We want climax to get appeared because we want things to get settled. We want them to arrange themselves in rather smooth manner. We always expect that after this climax, all conflicts will be removed, problems will be solved, controversies will be erased, and exactly in the same way we want them to.

But, is it really happen with the climax of life? I should have rather asked whether there exists any climax in life or not. in this real drama of life ,one can never be able to get stuck with a single climax and hope of the swaying peace afterwords, as life is an amalgam of climaxes .It deals with one conflict and keeps ready to offer another.

When I was a child, I was told that after this very phase, things will be fine. I kept on waiting for that resolving point but it did never come. My primary school’s exams, infatuations of teen age, responsibilities of mature phase, and every point offers a climax and then without having any resolving point, I felt myself in the bosom of another one. It is really futile to make wish that there will be a phase when things will starts flowing smoothly. Life rests itself on a pinnacle, and its inhabitants have to balance themselves on this very pinnacle .Life never gets settled neither it allows us to do so. We are supposed to drift away with ruthless tides of life.

He always asks that what change comes in my life because of his arival.He thinks that as I have not changed my routine,my dressing,my working hours and social relations so it shows that his existance does not make any difference.
He saya that I express my love but do not give any tangible proof for being in love with him.He says that though I say that I cant live without him but still keep on breathing even in his absence.He complains that the way I dress up does not show that I have any concern with his liking or disliking.

His arguments seems correct as apparently I don’t have any mundane testimony to proof my feelings or may be such proofs do not really matter as per my belief.
But still I want to tell him that his existance really counts for me.His arival really made a difference.

But how I would be able to explain that my eyes shines while they catch a single glimpse of him.my blood flow in more efficenit way when he holds my hand and transform his warmth to it.my heart starts beating with new aura of life when look at me and assures med of his love.My smile gets more deep and sweet when he adds some melody in my ears in the form subtle expression of loves.the vibration of his voice produce rhythm in my life.Though it seems that I am the same person as i ever have been.But every fragment of my body speaks of his love.that is something I feel and want him to feel it too but I can’t explain it.As something in this very relationship always remain Inexplicable.